Squirrell Banter
Publishers summary Foamy, Begley, and Pilz-E talk at the diner. Transcript : Begley : Right, so as I was saying, the one time I actually met the Queen, I went up to her... I went straight up to her face and said "you're a wanker". So, what she does is she sends out those little q-tip soldiers, they take my ass and throw me in a fucking cell. So right, I'm sitting there for about eighteen months, carving away at a rock with a bleedin’ spoon. : Foamy : Ahh... you know how authority is. They always give you a funny look if you don't act or look a certain way, as if your opinion doesn't matter just because you look like a freak. : Pillz-E : Oh my god, when I encounter authority, they just give me more pills. I take the pills and then I'm not so... so anxious to be against authority because I'm... I'm... I'm on the pills. : Begley Right, I think your little friend here with the glasses has got one of those American problems with the popping of the pills. It's a pill-popping problem, I see. : Foamy Yeah.... Everytime he comes up with some psychosomatic disease they give him some more pills. It's an endless cycle. He's always on pills. : Pillz-E : But I need my pills because there are so many diseases out there, and some of them start.. start inside your brain and then they work their way to your eyeballs, and then once they go to the eyeballs, they go around your head, into your ear, and then once they get to the ear, they go straight to the foot, and then the foot turns blue. : Begley : I think you're talking about gangrene. You only get that if you got poor circulation or if your toes have been frozen. : Pillz-E : But sometimes I freeze the pills and it's like eating a bunch of ice cream. So I put all the pills in a giant carton, and I put a little bit of milk, and then... and then I wait a couple hours, I take it out of the freezer, and then I get a spoon and then I just start eating it. : Foamy : Hey, *chuckle* that's a good marketing idea. Here's what you do: for all the fat bastards who have a psychological problem with themselves, you put a carton of ice cream filled with medication and (in the freezer) and that will solve all their problems 'cause usually when they're depressed or something the first thing they go for is food. So why not be eating a bunch of fucking anti-depressants? Beautiful. I am a marketing genius! : Begley : Right. I think they got something like that in England, though. I think it's called "pills for the fat people". : Pillz-E : My god with the England! Is that like Robert England? He was a good guy in... in... in the Freddy vs. Jason. He was the good one with the claws. And... and... and when I saw that I had these nightmares but that could have been because of the medication they gave me. 'Cause some of the side effects... some of the... oh my god... : Begley : Right, I do hear that these side effects can be quite a problem. : Pillz-E : Some of the side effects to the medication I take are either nightmares, and sometimes diseases, and sometimes diarrhea, constipation, bleeding from the eyes. My ears ache. Sometimes, I get headaches, migraines, death. But I got pills to cure the death, so I take those and it... and it off-sets the death effects. : Begley : You see, it's squirrels like this that make me second guess myself, as if it was a wise idea to move to the States. : Foamy : Dude, it's shit like this that makes me second guess on whether I should have fucking woken up in the morning. : Begley : Everywhere I look, there's always some yank just popping a pill to cure their problems. : Pillz-E : My god, why do you say that I "pop" them? I don't pop the pills, I take them and I eat them. I put them in my mouth and I swallow them and then they stay in my tummy and go turn colors and make them go larger, and then all of a sudden my diseases are cured for a short time until I have to take more pills. : Foamy : Alright, you know what? You two talk amongst yourselves. I've had it! *pointing to Begley* You're a little too weird, which is okay. *pointing to Pillz-E* But you! You, my pill-popping friend, are a fucking freak. I can't handle freaks. *pointing to Begley* This freak, I can handle. *pointing to Pillz-E* You, however, are freaky. I'm sorry if that hurt your feelings, but I'm sure you have a pill to take care of that too! Goodbye. Foamy leaves. : Pillz-E : Well, he... he is right, though. It did kind of hurt my feelings because he doesn't really like me because I'm always talking about my pills. BUT, not a problem! Because I got the little tiny pills that I take... take... take... take... take, to cure my depression, life is sometimes sad, and a purple pill makes it all better. : Begley : Right. Excuse me, do you have a pill to keep you quiet? : Pillz-E : Well, sometimes they give me pills in sedation. Sedation is different from a pill. Pills, I can eat. Sedation is a large needle that they stick in my eye! : Begley : Right, I don't recall anyone ever getting stuck in the eye with a needle. : Pillz-E : You haven't been to the doctors I've been to, needles in the eyes! Ending screen appears. External Links *Illwillpress website